I'm looking for happiness. I guess we all are. That appears to be what we do with our lives - a lifelong pursuit of happiness. Obviously not a novel concept.

I wonder if I'm missing out because of all the sadness I can see all the time. So many things frustrate me.

When I think about happiness, freedom and peace, the pictures I see in my head are rays of sunshine, clouds clearing like the rain has just stopped. Grass and water.. but never any people. Interesting? When I think of things that calm me, I think of empty spaces. Lots of space. No interruptions or confusions or messes in my day or space or time.

I want to be happy. I don't know that I've earnt it. At this rate, I never will. I should probably start trying to accomplish something. The world won't wait for me.

where can my heart rest?

I'm so frustrated.

dlrs

Un-epiphany;

It's a revelation that's not really a surprise-I'm unhappy.

I'm not sure why and that makes me crazy. It doesn't make any sense for me to be unhappy. I am quite honestly, one of the luckiest people on earth. I have a great, good-looking, funny, sociable, interesting and loving boyfriend. I have a job that pays, holds my attention, doesn't tax me physically and where I am (generally - but that's another story for another day) treated with respect and affection. I have nice things, accommodation in a prime location in one of the best cities in the world, opportunities and spare time. I'm attractive, relatively interesting, intelligent and almost effortlessly in shape. My family is amazing, supportive and so much fun. I am accepted, loved and treasured.

But I am completely and utterly hung up. If I put all the energy and time I currently spend agonising and despairing over my body into actually working out, staying fit and active and healthy - I would be in incredible shape. Instead, I cry and moan and bitch about how bad I feel and how much I don't want to do actual work. It's pathetic. So ridiculous. How ungrateful.

I complain about being bored. About feeling stressed. About not being anywhere in life, about not having enough money, about not wanting to see people and also about not having enough friends. I complain about my job, my boyfriend, my parents, my body, my apartment.

And beyond all that, with the groaning and moaning and wasting of time. There's something deeper down; an undercurrent of genuine despair, disappointment and- dare I say it? - depression.

Is it back? Or am I just being dramatic and whiny. Who knows? I don't.

So Home Away From Home

We went away for the weekend for his friend's wedding and I spent a lot of time with a lot of people that I'd never met before. And I had such a great time! I would have thought that being in such a setting and meeting so many new people would put me on edge and make me self-conscious but it actually had almost the opposite effect. Obviously I had a little bit of anxiety going into it, but being in the travelling mindset again and being around good people really helped. Perspective, you know.

But now that we're back and I have to deal with my life again, I find myself quite bogged down by my appearance. I never would have thought that just being disappointed or slightly uninspired would have such a profound influence on my general being, but I've definitely been a little down.

Sigh.

Just close friends and family.

I feel like big significant moments like this are awesome, but they always end pretty awkwardly. It's good to see people again but lives change and it's never quite the same as it once was. The goodbyes and the hanging on and people dropping off at different times.. It's never as awesome for everyone as some.

Also, going to weddings is pretty awkward for couples that aren't already married. Everybody gets into the mood for romance and there can be a lot said or hinted at that in real life, people aren't actually willing to follow through to. I feel like a lot of partners can get pretty disappointed by intensely romantic moments like these.

You get caught up in others but you always end up reflecting on yourself. You always catch a glimpse of someone else's intimacy and it makes you wonder about your own.  People have kids and you don't, people are married and you're not, people are unhappy and you're not.. or you have the things that they have but it's not the same.. This weekend leaves me pretty happy and also conflicted about where I'm at, who I am and what my plans are. It makes me wonder where I'm headed and where I want to be headed. Am I where I want to be? Do I need to do anything more or less to get where I want to go? Am I ready for kids and marriage? What is important to me? Am I on the same page as my partner? I thought yes. Now I need to re-calibrate, just in case. What if where we are is not actually where I am? What if I'm more ready than he is? What if it's the other way around?

It's crazy when the people you actually know are starting to get married and settle down and all that. I knew it was coming but I didn't know it would be quite like this. It's surreal to think that I'm here at this age that I always knew was coming but didn't quite believe was so close. I don't feel half as qualified to be here as the people I've seen get here before me.

I just need to know where I'm at, I think. What do I want? Am I on track to get it?

Twitchy Eyes

I'm so tired; this will be a short one.

I'm so disappointed with what I see in the mirror. It's starting to really get to me again. I'll admit I'm not fighting it that hard.

I feel like another couple of inches less would make me happy. 2-3 inches around my stomach, 1 inch everywhere else. I'm not so picky. I get the feeling I need to do more work - more cardio, less eating, more weights, less lazy. The ones who succeed are the ones that sacrifice, right?

I don't want to disappear into my boyfriend though. I'm walking this tightrope right now between who I think I am and who I feel like he wants me to be. I was so grumpy this morning because I dressed up and was happy and then he told me I looked funny so I changed and then he told be that I looked nice. My biggest regret because now the pants I wanted to wear don't match with any other tops so then I feel like I want to go shopping but that's a waste of money and time and I have so much stuff anyway and I should probably pack for our trip but I want to be prepared for everything but I want to- IWANTIWANTIWANTIWANT.

Yawns and cuddles

I did an actual workout resembling a workout today! Boyfriend went to le gym and because I'm not one to be beat (and because I had a sip of his pre-workout maybe? and because I felt guilty and because I mentioned to him that I would work out when he works out), I did some yoga. About 45mins worth and man. I am weak.

I can't believe how much my body must have changed in the last six months. I was more flexible, stronger, thinner, lighter.. What was I doing right then that now I am not? Working in hospitality, eh? And exercising more often on top. Sleeping more, possibly eating less..

I signed up for that gym trial so maybe I'll go after work tomorrow. See how I feel but the free pass will last me tomorrow and the day after and that's about it, haha. Such bad timing.

And I am hoping to get up early for a little teeny run tomorrow morning so I'd better sleep now. My longest run so far is just under 3km so let's aim for 3 or over. Eh? If I even find a reason to get out of bed. What are my reasons? To look better? I certainly don't feel better.