I'm looking for happiness. I guess we all are. That appears to be what we do with our lives - a lifelong pursuit of happiness. Obviously not a novel concept.

I wonder if I'm missing out because of all the sadness I can see all the time. So many things frustrate me.

When I think about happiness, freedom and peace, the pictures I see in my head are rays of sunshine, clouds clearing like the rain has just stopped. Grass and water.. but never any people. Interesting? When I think of things that calm me, I think of empty spaces. Lots of space. No interruptions or confusions or messes in my day or space or time.

I want to be happy. I don't know that I've earnt it. At this rate, I never will. I should probably start trying to accomplish something. The world won't wait for me.

where can my heart rest?

I'm so frustrated.

dlrs

Un-epiphany;

It's a revelation that's not really a surprise-I'm unhappy.

I'm not sure why and that makes me crazy. It doesn't make any sense for me to be unhappy. I am quite honestly, one of the luckiest people on earth. I have a great, good-looking, funny, sociable, interesting and loving boyfriend. I have a job that pays, holds my attention, doesn't tax me physically and where I am (generally - but that's another story for another day) treated with respect and affection. I have nice things, accommodation in a prime location in one of the best cities in the world, opportunities and spare time. I'm attractive, relatively interesting, intelligent and almost effortlessly in shape. My family is amazing, supportive and so much fun. I am accepted, loved and treasured.

But I am completely and utterly hung up. If I put all the energy and time I currently spend agonising and despairing over my body into actually working out, staying fit and active and healthy - I would be in incredible shape. Instead, I cry and moan and bitch about how bad I feel and how much I don't want to do actual work. It's pathetic. So ridiculous. How ungrateful.

I complain about being bored. About feeling stressed. About not being anywhere in life, about not having enough money, about not wanting to see people and also about not having enough friends. I complain about my job, my boyfriend, my parents, my body, my apartment.

And beyond all that, with the groaning and moaning and wasting of time. There's something deeper down; an undercurrent of genuine despair, disappointment and- dare I say it? - depression.

Is it back? Or am I just being dramatic and whiny. Who knows? I don't.

So Home Away From Home

We went away for the weekend for his friend's wedding and I spent a lot of time with a lot of people that I'd never met before. And I had such a great time! I would have thought that being in such a setting and meeting so many new people would put me on edge and make me self-conscious but it actually had almost the opposite effect. Obviously I had a little bit of anxiety going into it, but being in the travelling mindset again and being around good people really helped. Perspective, you know.

But now that we're back and I have to deal with my life again, I find myself quite bogged down by my appearance. I never would have thought that just being disappointed or slightly uninspired would have such a profound influence on my general being, but I've definitely been a little down.

Sigh.

Just close friends and family.

I feel like big significant moments like this are awesome, but they always end pretty awkwardly. It's good to see people again but lives change and it's never quite the same as it once was. The goodbyes and the hanging on and people dropping off at different times.. It's never as awesome for everyone as some.

Also, going to weddings is pretty awkward for couples that aren't already married. Everybody gets into the mood for romance and there can be a lot said or hinted at that in real life, people aren't actually willing to follow through to. I feel like a lot of partners can get pretty disappointed by intensely romantic moments like these.

You get caught up in others but you always end up reflecting on yourself. You always catch a glimpse of someone else's intimacy and it makes you wonder about your own.  People have kids and you don't, people are married and you're not, people are unhappy and you're not.. or you have the things that they have but it's not the same.. This weekend leaves me pretty happy and also conflicted about where I'm at, who I am and what my plans are. It makes me wonder where I'm headed and where I want to be headed. Am I where I want to be? Do I need to do anything more or less to get where I want to go? Am I ready for kids and marriage? What is important to me? Am I on the same page as my partner? I thought yes. Now I need to re-calibrate, just in case. What if where we are is not actually where I am? What if I'm more ready than he is? What if it's the other way around?

It's crazy when the people you actually know are starting to get married and settle down and all that. I knew it was coming but I didn't know it would be quite like this. It's surreal to think that I'm here at this age that I always knew was coming but didn't quite believe was so close. I don't feel half as qualified to be here as the people I've seen get here before me.

I just need to know where I'm at, I think. What do I want? Am I on track to get it?

Twitchy Eyes

I'm so tired; this will be a short one.

I'm so disappointed with what I see in the mirror. It's starting to really get to me again. I'll admit I'm not fighting it that hard.

I feel like another couple of inches less would make me happy. 2-3 inches around my stomach, 1 inch everywhere else. I'm not so picky. I get the feeling I need to do more work - more cardio, less eating, more weights, less lazy. The ones who succeed are the ones that sacrifice, right?

I don't want to disappear into my boyfriend though. I'm walking this tightrope right now between who I think I am and who I feel like he wants me to be. I was so grumpy this morning because I dressed up and was happy and then he told me I looked funny so I changed and then he told be that I looked nice. My biggest regret because now the pants I wanted to wear don't match with any other tops so then I feel like I want to go shopping but that's a waste of money and time and I have so much stuff anyway and I should probably pack for our trip but I want to be prepared for everything but I want to- IWANTIWANTIWANTIWANT.

Yawns and cuddles

I did an actual workout resembling a workout today! Boyfriend went to le gym and because I'm not one to be beat (and because I had a sip of his pre-workout maybe? and because I felt guilty and because I mentioned to him that I would work out when he works out), I did some yoga. About 45mins worth and man. I am weak.

I can't believe how much my body must have changed in the last six months. I was more flexible, stronger, thinner, lighter.. What was I doing right then that now I am not? Working in hospitality, eh? And exercising more often on top. Sleeping more, possibly eating less..

I signed up for that gym trial so maybe I'll go after work tomorrow. See how I feel but the free pass will last me tomorrow and the day after and that's about it, haha. Such bad timing.

And I am hoping to get up early for a little teeny run tomorrow morning so I'd better sleep now. My longest run so far is just under 3km so let's aim for 3 or over. Eh? If I even find a reason to get out of bed. What are my reasons? To look better? I certainly don't feel better.

Not quite but almost.

I tried doing a big workout today. I even tried twice! I didn't quite succeed. This sounds like a list of excuses and I'm determined to do better. I'm afraid to push myself because I know how dark it can get in my mind but I'm sick of doing half things and not getting results. I want a boost and I want to see things changing. I know that I can, I just need to actually do!

When I work hospitality, I see a lot of change in my body. Perhaps instead of going back to work and abusing myself, I could try to find a medium. Do a bit more cardio, a little more lifting and core work. And watch my diet a little more - portion control, generally not binging or treating myself too much. Try and emulate what I do when I'm working hospitality except without the bad parts like not sleeping, eating badly or not at all.

I feel like portion control is a big one here. I feel like I generally make relatively healthy decisions and honestly I don't think my body minds too much if I mix up the food here or there. The problem comes when I'm free so I'm always eating, or when I indulge on how much I'm consuming. Eating out and eating with my boyfriend results in me always eating a lot, and it's a hanger-on from hospitality as well because eating infrequently caused me to start eating more when I could because I didn't know when I would get to eat again. Now that I have a bit of routine and reliability, I can afford to have small meals because I know I'm going to have the opportunity to eat again in a short amount of time. So perhaps I need to start planning a little better. What if:

8.30am - oats, but slightly smaller portion. Eat at home before I go to work.

11am - smaller portion of oats, boiled eggs.

1pm - lunch, wild rice with grilled chicken and steamed veg. 1/2 to 2/3 of what I'm currently eating.

3.30pm - piece of fruit, edamame, some nuts or something savoury.

5pm - half of dinner. same as lunch or similar.

7.30pm - dinner; noodles in soup or rice with toppings. 1/2 of what I'm currently eating.

9pm - hot tea



That diet looks a lot like a strict one from the books and magazines that we read. Funny how that's actually what I usually eat. Obviously when I go out, I don't eat like this. But that's okay I think. If I use this as a guideline and try to keep from being indulgent every time I go out, I'll be alright. And then comes the actual physical movement in order to see a difference! Can't expect my muscles to tone themselves I guess. I wish!

I was talking to my sister and thought perhaps I should look at setting some tangible goals rather than just feeling guilty enough to work out. If I were to be honest, my biggest things right now are my thighs and butt, my stomach and my arms. They all need more tonage. I want strength more than anything and then I also want some appearance-based change.

Statement of Intention:

I feel like I've been writing this series in my head for a while now so perhaps it's time for me to start putting it on paper. And when I say paper, I did think about just journaling it but it tends to get a little emotional and frustrating when I'm trying to write and my thoughts are racer a thousand times faster. I will save the journal for the happy things because typed things can be deleted but I'm never going to rip out and destroy a handwritten entry.

I know that everybody has struggled with body image and self esteem at one time or another in their lives. I'm not sure why my struggle has been so prolonged and difficult because I know that I'm luckier than a lot of people. It's not like I can talk about a history of bullying or feeling ugly or whatever. I know that people find me attractive and I've never had a problem trying to get a date.

I feel obliged to be healthier. Fitness is a religion these days and with so many people preaching it, I feel the need to conform. My boyfriend worships at the temple most days and the world makes me feel like I'm a second-rate citizen if I do not participate.

Clean eats. Yoga and meditation. Paleo dieting, protein shakes and meal replacements, spartan runs and Tough Mudder and proving to everyone that you're better than they are. Fit Chicks and Fit Guys and hashtags galore on unnecessary meals that honestly make me despair a little because even though it has added protein, caramel chocolate peanut butter swirls are just not. I feel like healthy snacks should be replaced by a small, simple meal. Quite seriously, all the extravagant and overly complex 'just so simple' things that 'fitness fanatics' are grasping desperately to are just a replacement of the things that they look down on. Just because you convince yourself that something is sugar free, lactose free, gluten free and 20g protein doesn't mean that you need to eat it. Consuming things like that in lieu of a bag of potato chips may be slightly less damaging to your body, but realistically drinking a glass of water and moving your next small meal a couple of hours forward will do you better. I think.

But I'm starting this series as a bit of a chronicle of my crawl towards freedom, my battle to defeat the demons in my mind and maybe get to a point where I feel healthy, good and happy.

-

So today I'm thinking about doing some yoga. I'll pick a long one because I feel guilty for eating so many protein pancakes this morning and because I'm sore these days from having trouble sleeping and sitting at a desk all day. I'm uncomfortable in my body and that feels like my first issue, and they say yoga is good for helping you get back into balance. I don't believe in all the 'centering your spirit' rubbish and I don't participate in yoga that is too meditation-focused. I feel like my thoughts are often inward-facing and I don't need someone else's help to be aware of myself. I'm well aware. Too aware, I might argue. And I'm lucky enough that my boyfriend is on the same page as me on this and the yoga dvds that we went in on together are more body-focused and less about clearing your mind and whatever. But my boyfriend also gyms all the time and has a bit of an obsession with fitness so I'm left constantly feeling guilty. Not unlike what I was before I met him though so it's not really his fault. I have a predisposition towards feeling unsatisfied and guilty. We can go into that later.

I'm also thinking about joining a gym and despite being told not to by those closest to me, I'm determined to give it the old college try. I've signed up for a complimentary week's guest pass and I'll see how I go from there. I know that I've tried it before and struggled but truthfully, I think I don't like being told I can't do something. I'm so stubborn like that and if I try and fail at something, I can never quite get past it. I always just want to keep trying until I win. I refuse to lose.