I feel like big significant moments like this are awesome, but they always end pretty awkwardly. It's good to see people again but lives change and it's never quite the same as it once was. The goodbyes and the hanging on and people dropping off at different times.. It's never as awesome for everyone as some.
Also, going to weddings is pretty awkward for couples that aren't already married. Everybody gets into the mood for romance and there can be a lot said or hinted at that in real life, people aren't actually willing to follow through to. I feel like a lot of partners can get pretty disappointed by intensely romantic moments like these.
You get caught up in others but you always end up reflecting on yourself. You always catch a glimpse of someone else's intimacy and it makes you wonder about your own. People have kids and you don't, people are married and you're not, people are unhappy and you're not.. or you have the things that they have but it's not the same.. This weekend leaves me pretty happy and also conflicted about where I'm at, who I am and what my plans are. It makes me wonder where I'm headed and where I want to be headed. Am I where I want to be? Do I need to do anything more or less to get where I want to go? Am I ready for kids and marriage? What is important to me? Am I on the same page as my partner? I thought yes. Now I need to re-calibrate, just in case. What if where we are is not actually where I am? What if I'm more ready than he is? What if it's the other way around?
It's crazy when the people you actually know are starting to get married and settle down and all that. I knew it was coming but I didn't know it would be quite like this. It's surreal to think that I'm here at this age that I always knew was coming but didn't quite believe was so close. I don't feel half as qualified to be here as the people I've seen get here before me.
I just need to know where I'm at, I think. What do I want? Am I on track to get it?
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