I did an actual workout resembling a workout today! Boyfriend went to le gym and because I'm not one to be beat (and because I had a sip of his pre-workout maybe? and because I felt guilty and because I mentioned to him that I would work out when he works out), I did some yoga. About 45mins worth and man. I am weak.
I can't believe how much my body must have changed in the last six months. I was more flexible, stronger, thinner, lighter.. What was I doing right then that now I am not? Working in hospitality, eh? And exercising more often on top. Sleeping more, possibly eating less..
I signed up for that gym trial so maybe I'll go after work tomorrow. See how I feel but the free pass will last me tomorrow and the day after and that's about it, haha. Such bad timing.
And I am hoping to get up early for a little teeny run tomorrow morning so I'd better sleep now. My longest run so far is just under 3km so let's aim for 3 or over. Eh? If I even find a reason to get out of bed. What are my reasons? To look better? I certainly don't feel better.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Not quite but almost.
I tried doing a big workout today. I even tried twice! I didn't quite succeed. This sounds like a list of excuses and I'm determined to do better. I'm afraid to push myself because I know how dark it can get in my mind but I'm sick of doing half things and not getting results. I want a boost and I want to see things changing. I know that I can, I just need to actually do!
When I work hospitality, I see a lot of change in my body. Perhaps instead of going back to work and abusing myself, I could try to find a medium. Do a bit more cardio, a little more lifting and core work. And watch my diet a little more - portion control, generally not binging or treating myself too much. Try and emulate what I do when I'm working hospitality except without the bad parts like not sleeping, eating badly or not at all.
I feel like portion control is a big one here. I feel like I generally make relatively healthy decisions and honestly I don't think my body minds too much if I mix up the food here or there. The problem comes when I'm free so I'm always eating, or when I indulge on how much I'm consuming. Eating out and eating with my boyfriend results in me always eating a lot, and it's a hanger-on from hospitality as well because eating infrequently caused me to start eating more when I could because I didn't know when I would get to eat again. Now that I have a bit of routine and reliability, I can afford to have small meals because I know I'm going to have the opportunity to eat again in a short amount of time. So perhaps I need to start planning a little better. What if:
8.30am - oats, but slightly smaller portion. Eat at home before I go to work.
11am - smaller portion of oats, boiled eggs.
1pm - lunch, wild rice with grilled chicken and steamed veg. 1/2 to 2/3 of what I'm currently eating.
3.30pm - piece of fruit, edamame, some nuts or something savoury.
5pm - half of dinner. same as lunch or similar.
7.30pm - dinner; noodles in soup or rice with toppings. 1/2 of what I'm currently eating.
9pm - hot tea
That diet looks a lot like a strict one from the books and magazines that we read. Funny how that's actually what I usually eat. Obviously when I go out, I don't eat like this. But that's okay I think. If I use this as a guideline and try to keep from being indulgent every time I go out, I'll be alright. And then comes the actual physical movement in order to see a difference! Can't expect my muscles to tone themselves I guess. I wish!
I was talking to my sister and thought perhaps I should look at setting some tangible goals rather than just feeling guilty enough to work out. If I were to be honest, my biggest things right now are my thighs and butt, my stomach and my arms. They all need more tonage. I want strength more than anything and then I also want some appearance-based change.
When I work hospitality, I see a lot of change in my body. Perhaps instead of going back to work and abusing myself, I could try to find a medium. Do a bit more cardio, a little more lifting and core work. And watch my diet a little more - portion control, generally not binging or treating myself too much. Try and emulate what I do when I'm working hospitality except without the bad parts like not sleeping, eating badly or not at all.
I feel like portion control is a big one here. I feel like I generally make relatively healthy decisions and honestly I don't think my body minds too much if I mix up the food here or there. The problem comes when I'm free so I'm always eating, or when I indulge on how much I'm consuming. Eating out and eating with my boyfriend results in me always eating a lot, and it's a hanger-on from hospitality as well because eating infrequently caused me to start eating more when I could because I didn't know when I would get to eat again. Now that I have a bit of routine and reliability, I can afford to have small meals because I know I'm going to have the opportunity to eat again in a short amount of time. So perhaps I need to start planning a little better. What if:
8.30am - oats, but slightly smaller portion. Eat at home before I go to work.
11am - smaller portion of oats, boiled eggs.
1pm - lunch, wild rice with grilled chicken and steamed veg. 1/2 to 2/3 of what I'm currently eating.
3.30pm - piece of fruit, edamame, some nuts or something savoury.
5pm - half of dinner. same as lunch or similar.
7.30pm - dinner; noodles in soup or rice with toppings. 1/2 of what I'm currently eating.
9pm - hot tea
That diet looks a lot like a strict one from the books and magazines that we read. Funny how that's actually what I usually eat. Obviously when I go out, I don't eat like this. But that's okay I think. If I use this as a guideline and try to keep from being indulgent every time I go out, I'll be alright. And then comes the actual physical movement in order to see a difference! Can't expect my muscles to tone themselves I guess. I wish!
I was talking to my sister and thought perhaps I should look at setting some tangible goals rather than just feeling guilty enough to work out. If I were to be honest, my biggest things right now are my thighs and butt, my stomach and my arms. They all need more tonage. I want strength more than anything and then I also want some appearance-based change.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Statement of Intention:
I feel like I've been writing this series in my head for a while now so perhaps it's time for me to start putting it on paper. And when I say paper, I did think about just journaling it but it tends to get a little emotional and frustrating when I'm trying to write and my thoughts are racer a thousand times faster. I will save the journal for the happy things because typed things can be deleted but I'm never going to rip out and destroy a handwritten entry.
I know that everybody has struggled with body image and self esteem at one time or another in their lives. I'm not sure why my struggle has been so prolonged and difficult because I know that I'm luckier than a lot of people. It's not like I can talk about a history of bullying or feeling ugly or whatever. I know that people find me attractive and I've never had a problem trying to get a date.
I feel obliged to be healthier. Fitness is a religion these days and with so many people preaching it, I feel the need to conform. My boyfriend worships at the temple most days and the world makes me feel like I'm a second-rate citizen if I do not participate.
Clean eats. Yoga and meditation. Paleo dieting, protein shakes and meal replacements, spartan runs and Tough Mudder and proving to everyone that you're better than they are. Fit Chicks and Fit Guys and hashtags galore on unnecessary meals that honestly make me despair a little because even though it has added protein, caramel chocolate peanut butter swirls are just not. I feel like healthy snacks should be replaced by a small, simple meal. Quite seriously, all the extravagant and overly complex 'just so simple' things that 'fitness fanatics' are grasping desperately to are just a replacement of the things that they look down on. Just because you convince yourself that something is sugar free, lactose free, gluten free and 20g protein doesn't mean that you need to eat it. Consuming things like that in lieu of a bag of potato chips may be slightly less damaging to your body, but realistically drinking a glass of water and moving your next small meal a couple of hours forward will do you better. I think.
But I'm starting this series as a bit of a chronicle of my crawl towards freedom, my battle to defeat the demons in my mind and maybe get to a point where I feel healthy, good and happy.
-
So today I'm thinking about doing some yoga. I'll pick a long one because I feel guilty for eating so many protein pancakes this morning and because I'm sore these days from having trouble sleeping and sitting at a desk all day. I'm uncomfortable in my body and that feels like my first issue, and they say yoga is good for helping you get back into balance. I don't believe in all the 'centering your spirit' rubbish and I don't participate in yoga that is too meditation-focused. I feel like my thoughts are often inward-facing and I don't need someone else's help to be aware of myself. I'm well aware. Too aware, I might argue. And I'm lucky enough that my boyfriend is on the same page as me on this and the yoga dvds that we went in on together are more body-focused and less about clearing your mind and whatever. But my boyfriend also gyms all the time and has a bit of an obsession with fitness so I'm left constantly feeling guilty. Not unlike what I was before I met him though so it's not really his fault. I have a predisposition towards feeling unsatisfied and guilty. We can go into that later.
I'm also thinking about joining a gym and despite being told not to by those closest to me, I'm determined to give it the old college try. I've signed up for a complimentary week's guest pass and I'll see how I go from there. I know that I've tried it before and struggled but truthfully, I think I don't like being told I can't do something. I'm so stubborn like that and if I try and fail at something, I can never quite get past it. I always just want to keep trying until I win. I refuse to lose.
I know that everybody has struggled with body image and self esteem at one time or another in their lives. I'm not sure why my struggle has been so prolonged and difficult because I know that I'm luckier than a lot of people. It's not like I can talk about a history of bullying or feeling ugly or whatever. I know that people find me attractive and I've never had a problem trying to get a date.
I feel obliged to be healthier. Fitness is a religion these days and with so many people preaching it, I feel the need to conform. My boyfriend worships at the temple most days and the world makes me feel like I'm a second-rate citizen if I do not participate.
Clean eats. Yoga and meditation. Paleo dieting, protein shakes and meal replacements, spartan runs and Tough Mudder and proving to everyone that you're better than they are. Fit Chicks and Fit Guys and hashtags galore on unnecessary meals that honestly make me despair a little because even though it has added protein, caramel chocolate peanut butter swirls are just not. I feel like healthy snacks should be replaced by a small, simple meal. Quite seriously, all the extravagant and overly complex 'just so simple' things that 'fitness fanatics' are grasping desperately to are just a replacement of the things that they look down on. Just because you convince yourself that something is sugar free, lactose free, gluten free and 20g protein doesn't mean that you need to eat it. Consuming things like that in lieu of a bag of potato chips may be slightly less damaging to your body, but realistically drinking a glass of water and moving your next small meal a couple of hours forward will do you better. I think.
But I'm starting this series as a bit of a chronicle of my crawl towards freedom, my battle to defeat the demons in my mind and maybe get to a point where I feel healthy, good and happy.
-
So today I'm thinking about doing some yoga. I'll pick a long one because I feel guilty for eating so many protein pancakes this morning and because I'm sore these days from having trouble sleeping and sitting at a desk all day. I'm uncomfortable in my body and that feels like my first issue, and they say yoga is good for helping you get back into balance. I don't believe in all the 'centering your spirit' rubbish and I don't participate in yoga that is too meditation-focused. I feel like my thoughts are often inward-facing and I don't need someone else's help to be aware of myself. I'm well aware. Too aware, I might argue. And I'm lucky enough that my boyfriend is on the same page as me on this and the yoga dvds that we went in on together are more body-focused and less about clearing your mind and whatever. But my boyfriend also gyms all the time and has a bit of an obsession with fitness so I'm left constantly feeling guilty. Not unlike what I was before I met him though so it's not really his fault. I have a predisposition towards feeling unsatisfied and guilty. We can go into that later.
I'm also thinking about joining a gym and despite being told not to by those closest to me, I'm determined to give it the old college try. I've signed up for a complimentary week's guest pass and I'll see how I go from there. I know that I've tried it before and struggled but truthfully, I think I don't like being told I can't do something. I'm so stubborn like that and if I try and fail at something, I can never quite get past it. I always just want to keep trying until I win. I refuse to lose.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
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