I feel like I've been writing this series in my head for a while now so perhaps it's time for me to start putting it on paper. And when I say paper, I did think about just journaling it but it tends to get a little emotional and frustrating when I'm trying to write and my thoughts are racer a thousand times faster. I will save the journal for the happy things because typed things can be deleted but I'm never going to rip out and destroy a handwritten entry.
I know that everybody has struggled with body image and self esteem at one time or another in their lives. I'm not sure why my struggle has been so prolonged and difficult because I know that I'm luckier than a lot of people. It's not like I can talk about a history of bullying or feeling ugly or whatever. I know that people find me attractive and I've never had a problem trying to get a date.
I feel obliged to be healthier. Fitness is a religion these days and with so many people preaching it, I feel the need to conform. My boyfriend worships at the temple most days and the world makes me feel like I'm a second-rate citizen if I do not participate.
Clean eats. Yoga and meditation. Paleo dieting, protein shakes and meal replacements, spartan runs and Tough Mudder and proving to everyone that you're better than they are. Fit Chicks and Fit Guys and hashtags galore on unnecessary meals that honestly make me despair a little because even though it has added protein, caramel chocolate peanut butter swirls are just not. I feel like healthy snacks should be replaced by a small, simple meal. Quite seriously, all the extravagant and overly complex 'just so simple' things that 'fitness fanatics' are grasping desperately to are just a replacement of the things that they look down on. Just because you convince yourself that something is sugar free, lactose free, gluten free and 20g protein doesn't mean that you need to eat it. Consuming things like that in lieu of a bag of potato chips may be slightly less damaging to your body, but realistically drinking a glass of water and moving your next small meal a couple of hours forward will do you better. I think.
But I'm starting this series as a bit of a chronicle of my crawl towards freedom, my battle to defeat the demons in my mind and maybe get to a point where I feel healthy, good and happy.
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So today I'm thinking about doing some yoga. I'll pick a long one because I feel guilty for eating so many protein pancakes this morning and because I'm sore these days from having trouble sleeping and sitting at a desk all day. I'm uncomfortable in my body and that feels like my first issue, and they say yoga is good for helping you get back into balance. I don't believe in all the 'centering your spirit' rubbish and I don't participate in yoga that is too meditation-focused. I feel like my thoughts are often inward-facing and I don't need someone else's help to be aware of myself. I'm well aware. Too aware, I might argue. And I'm lucky enough that my boyfriend is on the same page as me on this and the yoga dvds that we went in on together are more body-focused and less about clearing your mind and whatever. But my boyfriend also gyms all the time and has a bit of an obsession with fitness so I'm left constantly feeling guilty. Not unlike what I was before I met him though so it's not really his fault. I have a predisposition towards feeling unsatisfied and guilty. We can go into that later.
I'm also thinking about joining a gym and despite being told not to by those closest to me, I'm determined to give it the old college try. I've signed up for a complimentary week's guest pass and I'll see how I go from there. I know that I've tried it before and struggled but truthfully, I think I don't like being told I can't do something. I'm so stubborn like that and if I try and fail at something, I can never quite get past it. I always just want to keep trying until I win. I refuse to lose.
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